while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
