I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
