Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
