Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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