My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
