It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
