Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Randomize
