dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
