So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
