'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
