i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
