i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
