hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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