i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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