"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
