The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
