***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
