i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
