she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
