last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
