we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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