You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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