Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
