im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
