I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
