textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
