I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
