life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
