his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
