So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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