Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
