I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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