The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
