I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
