Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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