ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
