Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just pynch a tree in the face
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
did i just pee glitter
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
