Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
