When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
