Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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