you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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