There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
