The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
