I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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