so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
