I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
