Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I need to align my fucking chakras
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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