So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
