6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
