Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
