You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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