nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
