I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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