just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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