I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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