you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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