Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
