Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
