i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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