I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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